This post was partially inspired by watching Garrett Gourley shredding downhill on this 55″ cruiser plank.

It’s 2017 and racing is way too lit. The same ten people with years of race experience and solid wheel sponsors dominate the semifinals and podiums and only one or two rider breaks into the elite ranks every year. With racing attendance falling off, I’d like to borrow a concept from street luge and propose some alternative classes that will make racing more fun and accessible to your average skater. Without further ado, here are some fresh ideas for event organizers:

Surf Plank: Keep the vibes mellow by racing on a cruiser from 2002. Minimum 34” wheelbase, no concave, cast trucks, (11 ply Baltic birch pintails with tracker trucks strongly encouraged).

Retro Class: Bring back the 70s and early 80s with a true old school setup. 30” maximum board length, 8” maximum width, TKP trucks only. (Shamelessly borrowed from the old-school races NHS threw in NorCal a couple years back.)

Cool Guy Hillbomb: Shut down those haters at Thrasher by bombing on a street deck. 13-16” wheelbase double kick street deck, TKP trucks, 95a+ wheels, no bearing spacers (strict tech inspection to ensure screeching loud power slides). No gloves.

Drop-down class: Go to Home Depot and shoplift some Corian samples for slide pucks because we’re about to party like it’s 2007. Minimum 30” wheelbase and 1” drop. Split angle cast trucks and worn out reflex formula BigZigs strongly encouraged.

Madman: race in a straitjacket (this was originally Zak Maytum’s idea).

Evo class: Find an Evo. Set it up. Race. Bonus points for Abec 11 Gumballs.

No Wrenching: anything goes, but you have to run the same set of wheels for the entire race.

Danger Rider: Flex on these haters and demonstrate confidence in your abilities by doing something dumb. No shoes, no gloves, helmet mandatory.

Drag Race: We’re talking about RuPaul, not cars. Wigs and full makeup mandatory, no pants allowed. Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent are paramount here, so the fiercest, fishiest lewks will be rewarded with a start-line advantage of up to 5 seconds. (Women racers can either go in butch male drag or overdose on blue eyeshadow from K-Mart and Claire’s accessories.) Rider protests will be resolved via walk-off.

Mandatory Paws Down: all slides must be performed with two hands on the ground.

Two by Whatever: your board must be made from lumber. Spend some quality time at the lumberyard finding the perfectly warped 2×10 for good concave.

Ridin’ Dirty: race on a dirt road.

Toy Store Boards: pretty self-explanatory: ride a board from a toy store. Changing bushings and adding bearing spacers is allowed.

The potential for dumb, kinda dangerous skateboard racing classes truly knows no bounds. Have an outlaw. Make your own stupid rules. Be like Team Mids and force people to shotgun condiments on the start line. Do whatever you want. Bring skateboard racing back to its dumb roots.

Cool Guy Bullshit

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